Lucky Day 13

Each day on the elliptical I try not to stare obsessively at how many calories I've burned. In my workout log I write down the end result, but I try not to watch it as I'm going because I don't want it to affect the workout. I want to work at the level I'm comfortable at, but if I stare at the calories it'll make me want to push harder than I can or else make me feel like I can relax. I want the end result-- how many calories I've burned-- to be, well, honest, I guess.

I don't count calories in the foods I eat. I never have. It's never been something I've needed to worry about. I eat healthy and that, to me, is what matters-- not calories, fat, or carbs. I didn't join the gym because I want to lose weight but because I want to be in shape and I have the goal of Yukon River Quest in mind. So calories burned doesn't mean anything in terms of comparing it with how much food I eat; for me it's a record of how much closer to being in shape I get. Honestly, I'm not sure how many calories on a 33-minute elliptical workout is a good goal to have, but the only person I'm challenging is myself and, like Monica, that's my favorite kind of competition.

I've had my gym membership just over two weeks. The first time I kept track of calories on my elliptical workout was exactly two weeks ago and, at that time, I had done 200 calories. Each day since then I have either stayed the same or gotten better (with the exception of Wednesday, when I hadn't had much to eat and thus didn't have much fuel to run on) so that today I hit 310 calories easily. Each day that I improve is a teeny tiny victory for me in the same way my hikes on the trail this summer were victories: when I hiked to Canyon City, I made it from the trailhead in exactly three hours. It took Stimee and the crew longer than that, and they bypassed the first 1.6 miles (the steepest uphill/downhill of the trail); the same way enduring the hike to Lost Lake, which Stimee calls the toughest trail in Skagway, was a small victory.

The same way blocking Vanessa from Waterford's hits in volleyball in high school was always a victory, when our eyes met at the net and she was so confident she was going to kill us, she who was shorter than me but claimed her height as 6'1".

Overcoming obstacles and accomplishing things that we didn't think we were capable of is always a victory. Walking on the river from the ballfields to the point and back without feeling like I was going to die was a pretty big deal for me. It's really not that long, probably a little over 2 miles altogether, but I'm a smoker and have had a very sedentary winter. I think that challenging myself, as opposed to rising to other people's challenges, is a pretty ballsy thing to do in general. If you don't meet someone else's standards, if you're a confident enough person, that's ok because what's really important is how you feel about yourself. If you don't rise to your own challenges, what else do you have? Being disappointed in yourself, I think, is a lot worse than someone else being disappointed in you.

Each day when I come home from the gym I have hit a new personal best on the elliptical. I don't do it for anyone but me. And there are few things more satisfying than that.