Day 35: Five Weeks and Beyond...

The title of this blog has become meaningless. My goal was to become independent in the five weeks of my other half being out of town. Situations have now arisen which require him to be gone longer than five weeks, and it turns out I'm not and will never be fully independent.

Regardless, yesterday was the day that he was supposed to get back, so I've been doing a lot of reflecting on the original intent of the blog.

I went camping with my friends Bill and Tony this weekend. It was a wonderful exercise in independence, being free from what ties us down to things that take our independence from us. Luckily, though, in spite of being away from civilization I did get cell phone service way out there on the flats and that ended up, yet again, saving my ass when i had another car emergency.

I think I've pretty much decided against ever owning a car again, ever, ever, ever. As I've illustrated in earlier blogs, they are more trouble than they're worth, and in a town like Skagway I think you can be a much more independent person without relying on an automobile. In the end, this particular car emergency was alleviated by the efforts of Tony, Leona, and a few Canadians that I've never met, which begs the question: So, i didn't need Stimee to get me out of the woods (literally) on this one--so maybe i'm independent from him--, but I still contributed absolutely nothing to the process of rescuing the car, so am I really self-sufficient, at all? Not in the least.

Apart from the car emergency, the camping in itself was a beautiful end to the five weeks in which I'd initially set out to claim my independence. Being out on the flats, where we could see the road but it was far enough away that when a car drove by its sound didn't penetrate the silence, where we cooked without electricity and ate without washing dishes, where our dogs could roam without any negative consequences, was perfect. I've wanted to camp all winter and finally, now that it's spring, got the chance. Camping, I think, is one of the truest, most erudite forms of human independence because, in spite of technological advances like flashlights and gore-tex, it brings us back to our roots of being as purely independent as the human race ever has been. Sure, we sort of rely on our tents and sleeping bags. But there's no tv; there's no electricity; there's no Internet; there's no frozen dinners; there's no central heating. None of the modern conveniences we've come to rely on are available when you're camping. And even though we weren't even that far away from civilization (not like the amazingness of canyon city and beyond...) it was a brilliant, peaceful end to the week. I read a lot of House of Leaves, and I talked a lot with Bill and Tony. And i did a lot of thinking while I was trying to fall asleep...

Today for Easter I went to have dinner with some members of my Skagway family. Instead of driving up to their house, I drove down to the airport, parked my car, and hiked up. If Stimee were here, would I have done that at all? Probably not... If Stimee were here, would I have gone camping? Maybe... After watching the Red Sox beat the Yankees on opening night, I went out to have a celebratory beer. If Stimee were here, would I have done that? Probably not; once we're in for the night we're usually in.

But now that he's been gone five weeks and i've spread my wings on my own, when he does get back, I'll still do these things. Maybe we'll take separate routes to get to the friends' house up on the hill, him driving and me walking if he doesn't want to hike. Maybe we'll go and do different things on some nights instead of needing to be at the same place most of the time we're off work. Maybe I'll feel ok about going out to have a beer on my own without him because he just feels like relaxing at home.

One thing seems certain in my mind: I won't be calling him constantly when he gets back anymore, because I won't need to.

It used to be that when 5:30 rolled around, I'd sit and wait for him to call and if it got to be 6 or 6:30 i'd start calling him incessantly, needing to know what he was doing so I could go meet up with him. If there's one thing that these five weeks have accomplished, it has been to give me the confidence and -- yes -- independence to have a life of my own and be able to not just do the things i want but to know exactly what it is that i feel like doing. And maybe that won't always line up with what my other half feels like doing-- but maybe that's ok.

Although the five weeks have passed, I think I'll continue posting entries to this blog as independent moments and thoughts present themselves.

One thing I would like to add on a tangient: My new hero, as an independent woman, is the main female character (Shoshana) in Tarantino's latest masterpiece. Gorgeous-- check. Self-sufficient-- check. Badass-- check. Daring, intelligent, carries a gun in her cute handbag in case she needs to shoot a Nazi with her perfectly manicured hands-- check, check, check. I want to be just like her when I grow up.